Luncheon 午餐

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毛姆William Somerset Maugham

（1874－1965）是英國小說家，出版於1915年的半自傳小說《人性枷鎖》”Of Human Bondage”是他最著名的作品。從＜午餐＞中涉世未深的主角「我」也可看到毛姆的身影。

「我」去看戲，有個肥胖女人對我招手，我認不出她，幸好有人告訴我「她」是誰。二十年前，我住在巴黎拉丁區的小公寓，從事寫作，收入僅夠溫飽；她來信說她讀過我的作品，想要我請她在巴黎一家參議員用餐的餐廳吃午餐，我明知價格不菲但是受寵若驚加上年輕不懂拒絕，就答應了。她比我想像的老，很有派頭，四十歲，牙齒又多又大又整齊，話很多，但因為都談論我，我也樂得當聽眾。



  She was not so young as I expected and in appearance imposing rather than attractive. She was in fact a woman of forty......and she gave me the impression of having more teeth, white and large and even, than were necessary for any practical purpose. She was talkative, but since she seemed inclined to talk about me, I was prepared to be an attentive listener.



點菜時她說：「我午餐什麼都不吃。」「請不要客氣！」我裝得很慷慨。「但是，我只吃鮭魚和魚子醬。」我的心情立刻往下沉。接著她又說：「我午餐什麼都不吃。」卻又點了香檳。我臉色發白，自己只敢點份羊排和白開水。「我午餐只吃一點點，純粹為了聊天，我吃不下了……除非是大蘆筍，離開巴黎之前不吃點蘆筍太令人遺憾了。」



“No, no, I never eat anything for luncheon. Just a bite, I never want more than that, and I eat that more as an excuse for conversation than anything else. I couldn’t possibly eat anything more—unless they had some of those giant asparagus. I should be sorry to leave Paris without having some of them.”



  我開始擔心付帳的事，內心盤算著若是錢不夠，我就假裝錢被偷，再留下手表抵押。蘆筍送來了，陣陣奶油香味撲鼻，我望著這無恥的女人用她肉感的嘴吞下蘆筍。現在我全豁出去了，又點了冰淇淋和咖啡給她，自己只喝了一杯咖啡。她邊吃邊說：「我百分之百認為，人們離開餐桌前，應該還留點肚子。」卻隨手又拿了一顆大桃子。付帳時，我只剩三法郎當做小費，她一定覺得我小氣，但是接下來我整個月都沒錢吃飯了。

  The bill came, and when I paid it I found that I had only enough for a quite inadequate tip. Her eyes rested for an instant on the three francs I left for the waiter, and I knew that she thought me mean. But when I walked out of the restaurant I had the whole month before me and not a penny in my pocket.



  我並非是有仇必報的人，但若眾神插上一手造成這個後果，我也很高興，因為她現在的體重高達一百三十三公斤。



  But I have my revenge at last. I do not believe that I am a vindictive man, but when the immortal gods take a hand in the matter it is pardonable to observe the result with complacency. Today she weighs twenty-one stone.

（一個 stone 等於6.35公斤）



毛姆生動地描述騙吃騙喝女人的那副嘴臉以及年輕作家的窘態；結局的幽默也不禁讓人莞爾。

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